I just have one question to ask the blog world today. I realize that the concept of adoption is foreign to some, but why are people so rude? I have a friend who reacted a bit oddly to news of our adoption. Let's just say, she acts as if it really doesn't matter. Ironically she is pregnant, about 28 weeks or 7 months; and I never recall myself acting so non-chalantly to her baby updates! As a matter of fact, I'm always very excited because I just love children in general.
Well anyways, I was so excited to show her pictures of our baby girl. I know she heard the excitement in my voice. The utter happiness of my soul. Well anyways, I showed her Baby M's picture and she goes. Oh, look. She's got that Ethiopian look, and proceeds to continue with a total unrelated conversation. I'm like WTF! Did you not just notice I showed you a picture of the most beautiful baby in the world (i'm biased I know), and that I am so excited and just wanting a friend to talk to. Did you not pick that up?! How can you possibly act like I didn't just say or show anything of importance to you, and proceed to talk about your plans as if I hadn't just shared something great with you!
It was like my baby didn't really matter because I wasn't carrying her in my tummy. This same friend asked me if I would be able to get time off from my job. I wanted to ask her "are you going to get time off to take care of your newborn?" WTF. What kind of question is that. I'm not bringing home a puppy people! (BTW, I love dogs, and have a yellow lab so I know how much work they are) But how rude can you be? Of course I'm going to get time off to care for my new baby. The same laws that protect biological parents also protect adoptive parents! You don't have more rights just because you are birthing your baby! The nerve! You all know I just had to say something, and of course she retracted her statement!
I guess when she shows me her baby's first picture, I'll just say...Oh. She's got that American look! And then continue with a totally unrelated conversation. (But that would be rude, so I guess I won't do that even though the devil in me wants to (LOL).
How do you all handle odd interactions like this?
12 comments:
Oh, that would have made me so mad, too! I am coming to learn that people just don't understand so much of what is involved in adoption, but I don't think that's a defense. Sounds like this friend is more interested in herself than in something that is so important to you. Perhaps at some point, once things have cooled down a bit, you can find a way to tell her how hurt you were by her apparent non-interest in your new daughter. Sorry you had to go through this.
Generally I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I always look at the actions of others in two ways: intentional or non-intentional. I figure if you don’t know any better then I will take the time to educate you. Now, if you know better, then I ask God to excuse me for two minutes while I set you straight.
When it comes to Welansa and her feelings I don’t play games with people. I have to let you know what is appropriate and not appropriate so you know in advance what to say and what to ask in her presence.
I can totally understand. I don't have a picture to show anyone, but boy have I gotten some jack-ass responses by the mere mentioning of adopting a child. Initially I was told I was only adopting to keep from gaining weight. WT... people just don't get it.
Somehow I got across to my friend on how ignorant she was sounding and she stopped. I guess I always responded to her comments educationally, but it still pissed me off. I stopped sharing things with her and now she asks.
It's quite irritating and I feel ya.
First,I ask myself if it's a teachable moment. If it is, then I try to educate the person. If not, then I've learned to be really quick on my toes with a comment that is witty yet gets my point across that they just something completely idiotic and inappropriate and they should be staring at their shoes, wondering how to make it right. At first, I used to walk away in shock, polite smile disappearing from my face, and my comment would come to me later that night, and I would be so mad at myself for not saying anything in the moment. Now I surprise myself with how fast I respond. It's actually a little sad because that means I've become conditioned to deal with idiotic questions!!!! Ugh!
Anyways, praying for a court date soon! My cell phone is attached at the hip, and I stare at it several thousand times a day, willing it to be a court date! Hopefully soon!
People do not get it! This is why it is so important to have this community. Call me anytime. I will oooo and ahhh over Ms. M. for hours upon end. Sending love!!!
I hate when people say things that they wouldn't say to a pregnant woman. Our little girl will be our third child and there were a few people when I told them about it said, "Are you SURE that you want three? Can you handle that?" No happiness, no joy, just depressing questions.
I feel you girl! I'm learning to focus on those that are happy, excited, and supportive of your decision.
You got my support!
Hugs,
Michelle
Shawn, She probably didn't mean any harm, nor did she mean to hurt your feelings. It sounds as if she just can't connect at this time, place and moment in her life. One day, as she gets wiser, she'll realize how her actions didn't lift up nor share in your celebration.
Keep your "glow" and don't return rudeness for rudeness but leave room for her to grow with your examples of selflessness sharing and giving.
Praying for your fast and sucessful passing of the Court date!
Oh, I have been there. I am not sure I have great advice, I usually just vent about the situation back at home with hubby. With our first adoption, we got literally NO gifts from family or friends when we returned with our kids. You know if we had birthed twins, our house would have been piled high with gifts. This adoption, I have a great adoption community who gets it and have been showered with gifts, help, excitement. I have found the best thing for me is to understand the reality that many, many don't get adoption and how IT IS BRINGING A NEW LIFE INTO YOUR FAMILY. And enjoy those in my life that DO get it.
Take care!
Oh, I had to write again, I guess I was on my son, Seth's account, and wanted to link that last comment to my account.
Some people really just don't get it and it is very disappointing when it is someone who you thought was a good friend. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and educate where it makes sense, but sometimes I find this journey to be a very tellng and intereting people filter. Sorry you had to go through that.
Hoping you get a court date very soon!!!
Hi I'm Toni! I am also adopting from Ethiopia. I ran across your blog and decided to comment on this post. You know people are people. Many people are self absorbed. After people show phoney intrest or non at all in what's important to me, I pull away. I don't need it, who does. Discerne who truly cares and share your pearls with them.
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